Only it isn’t. I’m still having breathing problems. What’s more I’m getting a bit better at understanding them. I know when my body is in that state, the coughing, hard-to-breathe state, tilting my head forward for 10 seconds will suffocate me and tilting it back triggers a cough by a tickle at the back of my adam’s apple. In fact it’s probably the same when I lean forward, only I can’t cough, so I don’t breathe. A lot of the time I can do either without effect, but when I get one of these attacks – which isn’t always visible – it does.

To be honest, I’m sitting here right now after having taken two puffs, still coughing, still breathing funny. Except now shaky and headachey. This is the first time I’ve used it and it’s definitely not done anything – usually I use it but the symptoms go away soon after, and I’m not sure if Ventolin helps or not. I’ve been walking into objects all day so I guess my sinus problems from yesterday have carried over to today…or maybe I’m just weak. I don’t know.

It’s like I have a quiver in my lung right now actually. A tickle in my throat, and a strange quiver in my left lung. Like a gasp. It’s hard to describe, it doesn’t hurt, but it’s like you’re breathing but not…I’ve had this before. Weeks before collapsed lungs.

My history is too great to ignore, as is my experience. I’m fairly confident I’m going to end up in hospital within the fortnight. But I don’t want to alarm people…it doesn’t help that some people are taunting me over this. I’ve said nothing more that I still have breathing problems. I haven’t mentioned that today they’ve been frequent; that it seems I’m losing control of them. And honestly, aside from all this, I really need human interaction. I need to see friends. I have little strength to care about myself right now…no, I’m not depressed. I’ve been in worse moods. And if I’m with people, I’m happy – I don’t bring my bad mood with me. But this is still very unpleasant. And believe me, I’m trying my hardest to combat it, but so much of my life depends on my fitness! Photography, DDR, random walks or random bike rides…it is difficult to deal with this breathing thing, and it is difficult to deal with my mood when all of the most progressive options are removed.

I hate sounding whiny. I hate sounding like a sad sack, someone who is hard to love, someone who won’t help themselves. But dammit, I am trying. My mind is clouded. But I do help myself, I do still do everything to make myself the best friend I can be to people.  And when this stuff isn’t in my face, I am happy. I’ve just got no incentive to carry on sometimes.  I need to see people.  I need the love of my friends, and I need to give them my love.  Right now, I feel like nothing.

Yesterday I was told it’s Record Day, I should go to the record store, meet new people. First of all I thought Record Day was April 20, and second of all I realised I’m not an extrovert in that sense – going to meet new people would end in failure. I couldn’t do it. I did the best thing I could do with my time; I did some heavy duty box scanning for my friends at Commodore Is Awesome. Which was rewarding and boosted my mood for a while. It was just a bad day for me…I may as well have not existed. I hate that kind of day. Today isn’t much better to be honest, but I suppose I’m content enough.

The point of that was to give an example of me trying to help myself, and to help others. I disassociated myself. To be honest the Record Day thing sounded more pleasant. I don’t know…I guess I’m stuck with the cards I’ve got for now. *sigh*

Once again, the shallow breathing. I don’t know what to do. This is scaring me. Yet I can’t complain about it because I’ll just get flamed for it again, and nobody’s going to care, they’re sick of hearing it! I just want to hurt myself to end this uncertainty. No, that isn’t a threat, if I was going to do it I would do it. And I don’t mean cut myself. I mean more like throw myself against a brick wall, punch myself really hard, something…something to release this damn frustration.

I just wish there was someone I could talk to. I’m sure there’s plenty I could, who would love to, who have told me so…but you see, I have at least one person telling me off. And not just on Facebook, but now venturing outside of Facebook. It’s not that I don’t trust, it’s that I fear.

Eh. I whine too much. But I mean, this is basically for my eyes only – or rather, I’m not advertising it to others, though it is public – so I don’t feel guilty about it. Venting. I need to vent. Because at the moment, I feel alone on this whole thing.

Also, it probably isn’t a good idea when you’ve already got gut cramps and you’re lactose intolerant to drink milk. Sigh.

It didn’t help that after I got out and I posted to Facebook saying what had happened – not even my own opinion, really – that I was told to shut up about it because I’m not dying, and that I was crying wolf. That’s just bullshit. That’s crossing the line. It hurt a lot. It’s left me in a bad mood all day. I really don’t know if the doctor’s news picked me up at all or not because that knocked me down so fast. And what’s more it’s made me afraid to comment more. Now, that’s not reasonable or fair, but the fact is I am. And nobody has asked. So I haven’t told.

I tell people because if I hadn’t been so bloody stubborn back in January about going to the hospital, then that’d be one less risk factor now.  In fact I might be perfectly fine now.

My own experience tells me that this is still potentially bad. When my lung collapsed the first time, I’d been playing lots and lots of DDR – eight hours of continous play in one day, from memory – and the second time, I’d been swimming virtually every day, including diving. It’s not hard to believe that the exercising harmed my lungs – I’ve always attributed the lung collapses to the excess exercise. I remember after exercising a lot, I’d have shallow breathing – almost like I’d be unable to breathe for a second, actually. After being given the all-clear today, I did some push-ups and I had the same symptoms. Now, should I ignore this? Should I beware? The answer is probably obvious but after the shit today, I just don’t know.

I won’t lie, I am worried, very worried actually. But at least the heart thing is gone. One serious thing isn’t beyond my ability to handle. I can think straight again. But I do worry that this means I’ll end up in hospital again for another two weeks, in the worst pain I’ve ever known again – and because those closest to me are now gone, I’ll be alone. Nobody will come visit. Okay, people will want to visit, but let’s face it, my mum and my ex visited regularly. Which really is what made me go on. I don’t have anyone like that, and what’s more, my friends all have lives, jobs, or are just too far away. It’s unreasonable to expect that of them. If they ever were in the same boat I guess this teaches me I should try to be there for them as much as they can, but I digress. Point being, there is still a fair chance this is my fate. Can I handle it?

I have work in the morning. I told work I want to go back, and when they said they weren’t 100% confident I was well enough (I scared a lot of people last Wednesday, to give a measure of how severe the breathing problems were) I told them I wanted to try and if I couldn’t handle it, I’d just go back home. Good enough for them, good enough for me. Frankly I’d rather stay here and rest but realistically, I can’t prove anything. It’s best to suck it up and go forth to kick ass…because currently I’m living my life like a recluse, like someone who is afraid. I’ve still got so much I want to do. This is a waste of my time.

I’m going to have to get some answers from my friends, I think. I’m in a biased and bad position generally to judge what to do. Several people told me I must see another GP for a second opinion, but as I understood, that was in relation to the heart. Which I am 100% satisfied on. An echocardiogram can’t lie, and he just read results from a specialist. I need to ask my friends: What should I do in relation to my breathing problems? It doesn’t feel quite like a collapsed lung but it’s very similar to what I felt before I got one in the past. That’s what I need to ask.

This post is getting long but I just want to close by saying this whole thing at least has visibly strengthened my relationships with friends. This saga has changed me for the better. I love my friends, and in this past week, they have been my world. I hope they realise this, and I hope those whom I’ve spent time with this past week (and those I would have liked to) realise that wasn’t just because I was in a bad spot and wanted company; it’s because I’d love to spend time with them anytime. Guys, girls, I love you unconditionally and you warm my heart. Your love carried me through this. I never asked anybody to do this, but you did anyway. Thank you. I will do the same for you when you need it…you have my word, and that means everything. (NB: I’m saving an actual ILY without qualifiers or sneaky wording for someone special. And I’m still hoping. I look forward to the day when I can say those three words, then stop. But I digress again…)

I called the GP before and – well, the receptionist basically said the results seem to be normal but I still should see him. So I will. Thursday. But just now I was thinking, what if this heart thing never happened? I would have gone into the hospital with severe breathing problems, turning white, coughing, pain on my flank,  weakness, faintness, blurred vision. I would have been told, “We can’t find anything, it might be a small collapsed lung, who knows?”.  If it was, I should be healing by about now. Currently I am still suffering dizzy spells and bouncing off walls, and clutching onto a cane just in case when I walk. (Except in public. I’d rather fall over.) So then, assume I went to my GP anyway and he found nothing again – what would I do now? Honestly, that answer wouldn’t be acceptable, but how would I deal with it? I could go seek a third opinion (or is it fourth, as I went to the doctor in Feb?), but that probably wouldn’t achieve anything but a waste of money – or would it? I’ll stop for now, I feel my confusion coming back…I’m glad I got that out. (4.02p) But what if the confusion is a symptom? I’ve had it as long since Wednesday. Perhaps it’s not because I’ve got so much to deal with, perhaps it’s hand-in-hand with feeling faint…because right now, I do. I don’t always notice. Hmm.

I do have persistent symptoms – I haven’t been 100% since Wednesday and I just haven’t noticed. Running would be one way to diagnose pneumothorax – in the past it’s caused massive attacks of  pain. Similar to being kicked in the nuts, except in your chest – a unique sort of pain, more like a crushing or squeezing. But it diagnoses fast. Symptoms I’ve had more or less constantly are dizziness and confusion. Pain in some positions but not others. Yeah…the symptoms match, but the oddest thing is lack of consistent pain. I do remember in the past having similar symptoms before a collapsed lung…

Regardless of what this week brings, I need to think about the future. I need to plan. I need to scheme. I can’t just live in the present because I don’t like the present. I need to find happiness. Bah.

It occurs to me, before this whole sorry saga began, I said the road ahead was not clear…like I couldn’t see what’s right in front of me. You know, I’m pretty sure the whole game has changed now…but my mind currently is too addled to see it. I’m just too weak to concentrate on it. Even if I tried, I couldn’t be sure I’m right…I don’t know, I’m pretty sure things have changed for the better – not because of this malady but because it showed the closest thing to my true colours, and I think people liked that. The only thing stopping it being absolutely my true colours is I’m definitely saddened about the whole shebang largely due to uncertainty and physical restriction, whereas usually I’m a bouncy, happy person. But I hope people see I’m fighting. I don’t roll over. It’s damn hard to fight against an unknown enemy when you have so little to fight for…but I am fighting.

4.44p: Feeling dizzy again (almost the same time as yesterday, I know, I don’t pick when this happens!). Unlike yesterday (I was writing here and thus may have been stressed), today I was just setting up a game, which if anything was easy and rewarding and a complete distraction from recent events. As far as I’m concerned, this eliminates stress as a cause. Napped. Random depressive attack about 7.25p, unable to figure out why – no reason. Hard to fight. 7.59p, fluttery feeling in chest (breathing).

I worry more about this other ailment now. The heart thing, maybe I accept it, maybe I think it’s nothing, maybe I am bored of it. I don’t know. But I do know that since Wednesday, my pain, weakness and discomfort has eased. That’s right, most of this time I’ve physically been unwell for what was apparently a ticking time bomb which would either kill me dead, or do nothing. Hence I said nothing. But it’s surely related to the lungs…just before, I went for a walk and stopped, and idly, without thinking, did a stretch – reached to the floor without bending my knees and slapped it. (Somehow. I didn’t know I could reach my toes even.)  This rewarded me with a sharp pain around my heart. Now, I wasn’t thinking what I was doing, so obviously it isn’t my heart – that means either it’s this lung thing, or it’s a muscle strain from inactivity. Which knowing me, is the reverse of what happens – I get muscle strains from overstretching too often. So it must be the lung, right? Yikes…

But let’s not forget, exercise could kill me. I want to go on a photo walk, but I could die.  I want to wash the car, but I could die.  I want to climb a cupboard and get some things down to scan, but I could die. I am listening to music and want to dance, but I could die. Okay, this sounds over-the-top, but what choice do I have?

My brain still is going through the same knots and tangles as yesterday. I’ve done a lot to sort it out. I pondered for ages as to whether I should tell my ex about this. In the end I decided to gamble, and told a friend about this, who offered to talk to her at some point, which I responded with “If you like, but”, etc.  He could go either way. Unfortunately events have unfolded faster than I expected so I have no idea of knowing if he has, will or won’t. Perhaps it’s best this way. I chose this method because I suppose ultimately I want to tell the old her, as I am probably as dead to her now as she is to me, and if I did die…if she didn’t know, would it really matter? Nope. Telling her is like telling someone I knew 10 years ago. As long as I am not afraid, or being proud, I can live with that. Fear has no place in something serious as this, and pride has no place anywhere.

Okay, I feel another episode coming on…urge to cough like there is something stuck in my throat, discomfort (very low level pain) around my heart, unsteady on my feet – began to fall forward while looking for duct tape, and I knocked several torches off the fridge by not walking straight. I refuse to believe it’s my heart, that’s just paranoid…but what is it? Vision is negligably impaired, cognitive functions normal enough, or at least not affected enough to detect it. Still able to move arms fast if I want. Walking fast makes me cough. Okay…this one is mild, but it’s something. Start time about 4.45. That’s odd…I can’t breath deeply. Sharp pain. I can jump though, which I can’t with a collapsed lung, or so I thought. Unlike January-March, I can tilt my head back without coughing, but moving causes me to cough. Mild shakes, no pallor. Pulse is about 70bpm. Ordinarily if I felt sick and drained, I’d hype myself up with a bit of hypnotic rhythm and…exercise. Doesn’t quite work without the latter. No specific end-time, but by 5.20, it’s waned significantly.

(last revised 5.20p )

The problem is, it’s Supanova weekend. 99% of my friends are busy either there, working, or living. I’m stuck here with my thoughts, going out of my mind. I guess I’ve convinced myself it’s better that way, that there’s some lesson to be learnt, but there isn’t, really.

One friend whom I haven’t seen in about two years came around and visited in the evening, which was good, just like old times.  But before and after, chaos reigns merrily.

I suppose what bugs me is there are no answers. There’s very few lessons to be learned. All I know is that so much that did not matter before now matters, and so much that did matter before matters not. Tuesday is but the tip of the iceberg. So much, I have taught myself to believe that everything bad happens for a reason. But what if I died tomorrow? What would be the reason for those bad things happening to me then?  I need to fix the error I made the other day, but even more, is this whole episode something my ex should know? That is what is doing my head in…

And then I still don’t know what actually it was that I went to hospital for. It was never diagnosed. I had a similar attack of it today, but in a different order…blurry vision, a bit of coughing and turning pale/weakness. After a while, it passed. I had no idea what to do, if I should ask someone for help or something. I didn’t think there was any point calling the hospital…

I guess ultimately, this whole episode has left me mentally as a bit of a mess so far. I’m rambling more. All I know is friends are everything. I hope everyone knows that I love them and I’ve been blessed to have such good friends. I think I need to say something to people. People know I care but if I died would that be enough?

At the end of this day, I am afraid to sleep because when I close my eyes the blackest of blacks hurtle towards me like shards of dark glass. If this is what dream awaits me, I do not want to sleep…I have never seen anything like it.

Against my own beliefs, against my instinct, I decide to make another Facebook post saying similar to what I have in the last few paragraphs…people immediately responded positively. I guess that’s a good thing. I still feel bad doing it.

Apparently one friend had the audacity to suggest I was attention-seeking over this. That’s bullshit. I’ve said right here I’m bothered because I feel like that’s what I’m doing, but I know that I’m not. For fucks sake, I turned white in the office and everybody saw it. They nearly called an ambulance! And a team of doctors freaked out! That’s definitely not the kind of attention I’d want.

My doctor says he doesn’t think it is my heart, highly unlikely he said, and pretty much said assume I’m fine. Which is the exact opposite of what the hospital doctors said. So I don’t know if I can believe that – one doctor versus five or so. He could be right, I hope he is, but this is my life I’m gambling on…would anyone in my shoes believe the GP? Maybe it’s a nice confidence boost, but maybe it also undermines what I believe a bit. I don’t know. It’s just another thing to throw into that fine mess in my head. That mess I’m posting to try and sort out.

Then there’s the other thing. I went to hospital with cramps, coughing, shortness of breath, faintness, weakness and blurred vision. That was never diagnosed or treated. That looms over me. I don’t know, it could be stress, but Iwas only slightly stressed when it happened – work was intense.

I’ve had some lovely conversations with friends, but in light of Tuesday, I’ve been afraid of leading them. I don’t want to impose on people. I don’t want them to feel obligated to entertain the sick person, even if the sick person might be dying or whatever. In fact, I can put that one bit higher: In light of Tuesday, I’m afraid to approach anyone. In light of Tuesday, I’d rather be alone than risk losing friends. Tuesday is a problem now. It must be taken care of. Not today, but soon. It’s a burden I wouldn’t want to take to my grave if I did die. And what this has taught me is, even if this isn’t going to kill me…this isn’t the sort of thing you should let linger. It’s negative. What if I died in a car crash? That’d be just as unfair. And it bugs me that it was all over nothing, and that if I waited 12 hours, then I would have ended up in hospital just the same and nothing ever would have happened. Fuck me.

This week I’ve needed to be strong, and while I fucked up at the start, I now have the feeling for it. I am a very strong person. My greatest strength is from friends, and anyone who  ever sees me face-to-face will know that – as soon as I see a friend, I invariably grin happily and bounce along the whole time I’m in their company. But earlier this week, even before Tuesday, I realised that can’t be all my strength. This sort of event though, it teaches you the exact opposite! Nothing else matters! That’s a real mindbender, that. I suppose the truth is in between, or non-rigid. Either way, right now, I am in between. I tell people I their love and support means the world to me right now because it’s true. But I absolutely must not depend on it. I absolutely must fight. I absolutely must not…well, be weak. The odds are I won’t die. But even if the odds are 1% that I will, would anyone risk that? They certainly aren’t less than 1 in 100, in fact they’re probably higher, but who would gamble on it? …I’m rambling, I know.

The whole thing keeps getting weirder and weirder, even as I write this. One friend says she thinks I am overreacting, and I agree. I hope I am. It’s better to overreact, and to be honest, I don’t want to. Other people took offense to the statement made but it’s a fair one, I think, and friends are supposed to keep me in check. I accept the opinion, and while I don’t agree with it, it’s still a fair thing to say and it’s something I’ll take into account anyway. It’s better to say it than to think it and shut up. On top of that, I mentioned casually to someone that everyone seems to know except my ex, even people I’ve had fallings-out with over the years, and I think he took that as “tell my ex”. Hmm. No matter. It’s just an example of how far this is reaching people…like I said, it’s affecting others more than me…

I think in a nutshell, everyone is very worried, probably more than I am. That’s understandable. All I have to lose is my life. If I’m dead, I have no feeling, I have nothing. No regret can exist. If I’m dead, they’ve lost a friend.

I’ve had a myriad of Facebook replies and wall posts, a few Twitter messages, several people texting me, some calling me, and one visitor. Some people I rarely talk to are talking. Some people whom I’ve never gotten along with are worried.

I must admit, given what I posted yesterday, I almost feel like I’m cheating. Like I’m a phony. But this isn’t related. That’s ancient history now, it’s only relevant in that I must continue to lie low. I can’t worry about that, I have a new perspective! But still…the timing of it, I do not like. Not because it compounds; because it makes me feel like I should shut up, like this is just a cry for attention. But it isn’t. This is no game. This is life and death. If someone dared accuse me of lying or anything negative I would just grab them and say “I GOT TOLD IF I EXERCISE I WILL DIE.”

At the moment, I haven’t wrapped my head around it. I just can’t. I’m too busy trying to make sure I do the right thing. I have to tell everybody, and I have to make sure I keep them informed that I’m alive. I have to make sure those who missed it today know tomorrow. Some people were deathly afraid. Cried. Panicked. Told me that I’m a close friend (which I did not know). How do I deal with that? I mean…am I supposed to just smile and be normal? I can’t. I have a moral obligation to keep them included. One of the people who came out of the woodwork today was someone who in 2000 called up the hospital I was in with a collapsed lung to see if I was alive. He was, and still is, living in Brazil. And that’s why I have to make sure people know I am alive..

I think it goes without saying that I have to protect myself first and foremost though.

I was very wrong yesterday when I said I thought that whatever I felt was coming up, was that. Oh no. My life has changed now. I don’t know what to think anymore.

The day started out fine. Normal. I was a bit stressed due to work. I was trying to plan for the site again. Thinking about the weekend.

Then at about 9.55am, I had a sharp pain in my left flank – lower back. Where the pain back in January originated from, I think. Not that unusual. But what was, was that I started coughing. Then I found it hard to breathe. I was gasping for air. Fearing the worst, I went to a mirror in the tea room at work – I wasn’t pale. I returned to my desk, feeling weak, when a co-worker said, “Are you alright? You’re looking very pale!”, then others looked and agreed.

I said I was okay. I said I was determined to go on. “Nothing to lose,” I said.  Next thing, my vision was going blurry. Okay. So I grab a phone book to call a doctor. But I can barely hold the book, I can barely turn the page. Okay, very very bad. Work insisted that I go. I insisted on going to a hospital. I got given CabCharge vouchers for it. Off I went to the Prince Charles Hospital. By this time, it was 11am. The whole time I had tried to work, but it’s very, very hard with so many things happening to you.

So I get there, go to emergency, immediately get rushed in, blood taken, etc, etc. I was there until about 2.30pm. It became clear fairly early on that my lungs were fine enough. I never thought it was collapsed lungs again, but the symptoms were so severe that I had to go to the hospital out of common sense.

While twiddling my thumbs wondering why they wanted a urine sample (!) I began to overhear a conversation about 15m away behind a glass panel. Hearing words like “pneumothorax” – collapsed lung – and “pleurodesis” – the surgery to fix it. So they were talking about me. But next I began to hear things like “ECG”, “heart”. There was nothing wrong with my heart! I’ve had it checked! My blood pressure is fine, my cholesterol levels are fine, I’m fine!

Ten minutes later, two doctors come over. The X-rays didn’t show any pneumothroax. If I had one, it was minute, and it’d resolve itself; in the meantime I should avoid plane trips, scuba divine, blah blah blah. Stuff I knew. I guessed it could be a small one that’d resolve itself. I can live with that.

Then the male doctor presented a letter. He said the ECG picked up that I have an enlarged ventricle. He asked if I had any family history of sudden early deaths. I said no. He said, “Good, that means we can treat you as an outpatient. Take this letter to your GP and get an ultrasound. You must do this by the end of the week. In the meantime, don’t exercise at all, because if it is what we think it is, you could die suddenly.”

…it’s hard to say anything else. For now, the facts only.

Today, I screwed up.  Big-time.  As you may have gathered from my previous post, I’ve felt the walls closing in on me fast for the last few days, and the website was my way to try and get out. Unfortunately, I did not make it in time, and I accidentally hurt a valuable friend, one of my closest (I am reluctant to say the closest because I shouldn’t put any one above others). And naturally, I feel shitty. I really fucked up, and the worst thing is, for what? As it happens we were seeing eye-to-eye, the only difference was I was bothered because I couldn’t stand being ignored when I say good morning. That’s it! Something as petty as that! That’s how stupid I am!

But ironically, as I said, I felt trapped.  And now I do not. I do not feel depressed, I do not feel self-harmful, I do not feel suicidal. Maybe these will change, knowing my history. But also knowing my history, this is just what I need. For I am free, I am no longer trapped. And now is the prime time to work on the website – no, work on everything!

This same day, everything else was great. Okay, when it comes down to it, the day was fucking terrible. No two ways about it. But I re-established contact with a friend I have always held with the utmost respect. And what’s more I’ve felt closer to two I have – one whom is essentially a BFF-type and I hold in the highest regard (we’re like brothers!), and the other living so far away still treats me with great courtesy and friendliness, which I absolutely bow to – she is amazing and I adore her. (Don’t worry, I’m not falling in love, hah.)  This coupled with events of previous days tying me closely with friends I have all over the world… honestly, life is good. This is just a really big blemish. It’s impossible to feel down about it, though! I’m actually smiling right now. Seriously. So many points today, I just went ,”Aww!”, and smiled. (ADDENDUM: While writing this I got distracted by a lengthy and aimless conversation with another good friend. You see? That’s good!)

But still. This shouldn’t be. Close friends shouldn’t let stupid shit get between them. This has to be repaired. But not now…I will give us both time to heal, and what’s more, I’ll be a little bit selfish and capitalise on the drive I know everything is giving me. And there’s a lot of friends where this would have been a non-issue, so it can’t hurt to embrace them for a while.

I can’t help but wonder if this was what I wrote about last month:

Something mid-April – unclear what. Something will present itself, reveal itself or develop suddenly. It appears that this will be some kind of ultimatum, perhaps with a price or perceived price – something at the expense of something else. I see the shape of a St Andrew’s Cross when I visualise this – like the middle is the key part. Or maybe there’s a Scotsman or spider involved. Who knows. (NB: 90% of my friends are part-Scottish or part-Irish, so if you read this and think “I’m part-one-of-those, you creepy bastard!”, then no. Sit down. And you’re not if you’re not ginger or miserly.)

Fits. But it’s moot. The die is cast. Shit happens. An ultimatum would have been nice. I can hate it all I want but it won’t fix anything. Then there’s this messed-up horoscope thing – I don’t believe in them but lately it’s been alarmingly coincidental and accurate, but always too late (I refuse to read them ahead of time):

  Tuesday, April 17, 2012 – You are quite positive about life, but you could really take it too far today. Even if everything appears to be making sense, remember that you’re not invincible. The signs are encouraging now, yet danger can accompany blind self-confidence. Forge ahead as long as it feels right, but don’t be so overbearing that you inadvertently put others on the defensive.

Well, shit. Why didn’t you tell me that before? Oh, you did. Oops. And deep down, I’m ashamed of myself. I hate myself for this. But I don’t hate myself. The war was already lost. I felt upset most of today because I just didn’t understand. I decided eventually fine, I won’t say anything, but in time I need to address it because it is something that upset me, and while I can let that go, what if someone else gets the same thing and can’t? Unfortunately, I never got to mention that last bit! The whole thing overwhelmed me. I just can’t handle confrontation, I always end up running around in circles, contradicting myself because I get so nervous, then I lop my own head off (metaphorically). By the time I realised it was a confrontation, it was too late.

I really hope nobody involved reads this. I’m writing this to vent, and I welcome others to read it. But…I presume those involved won’t. I write on that basis. This blog is quite well hidden currently…

Everybody makes mistakes; what’s important is that we learn from them. It’s too early for me to learn the lessons here, but it’s time to reflect for sure. I can see the good coming out of this. I need to figure out at what point things changed.  That’s one step! Another is more direct; I need to prepare myself mentally. I was showing weakness, feeling weakness for a while now. That’s fine to a degree, but it dominated, and I couldn’t control it. Right now…if I could harness how I feel right now…everything would be good. I am not angry, nor sad, nor afraid. There is not an ounce of negativity. I am mildly happy. I am excited. I am motivated. By writing this, I am starting to learn. This is what I need! This is what I’ve looked for! This is closer to my true self than I have been for a while…and you know what? I’m still not my true self. It’s a pale shadow. The motivation is all wrong. But what I have now is part of what I wanted – I feel stronger. I think you’ll only see my true self when I know love again.

I’m absolutely not interested in making excuses, and I am only interested in making amends if I can make good of the bad. If I gain nothing from this, then what was it all for? Nothing. Not good enough.

Look, the easy way out of this is still to find love, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I said this the other day. I don’t think this little episode teaches me anything like that I’m not ready for it. But it does provide me an opportunity to make myself a better person. And I’m not a fan of the easy way. If I were, logic tells me that the only way to survive now would be to go to a dating website this very minute and swallow every ounce of pride. That is a solution…but one with few lessons to be garnered. It’s more of a whitewash. This isn’t about love, either.

If I can’t repair the damage, then I just have to live with that. And that won’t be hard. But holy shit, I don’t want to throw something away that’s that good.

I realised most of what I wrote here is about what I am going to learn, not living in the past of said friend or the incident more than is necessary. That is a healthy thing. It means this is not going to eat me up.