CITADEL CITADEL
OH YEAH!!!!!

Today I am going to review a game with a difference - I've never played it. In fact, I've written this review without playing it and added pictures later. All I've done is hit Random Article in Wikipedia for an hour until it gave me a game, so this review is basically based on the title, box art and many, many presumptions (because I didn't read the article). But you have to admit, that box art is pretty cool. It's also a pretty damn random game to get, if you ask me. But you didn't.

Wilfred the Warlock is in trouble! The local taxman has evicted him from his super-awesome castle for failing to disclose his alchemy business! Dash, and double dash! Unfortunately, Wilf had just discovered how to transmute gold from lead, so he has to break back into the castle to reclaim the formula so he can use it to repay his debt before it is forever lost at an estate auction due to commence sometime tomorrow morning...losing the secret of transmutation FOREVER! Oh noes! Gollygosh!


Even more unfortunately for Wilf, the silly taxman forgot to reactivate the citadel's personal alarm system so it is full of sinister monsters like bats, vampires, fire traps, spikes (probably placed by the vampires). Also, his guard gargoyles have been on the blink lately so they'll shoot lasers if they see you. Also Donkey Kong or some other giant monkey has taken residence in the belfry along with the ubiquitous hunchback, so you'd do well to keep an eye out for barrels (especially flaming barrels!)

What's more, Wilfred can't simply walk up to the taxman as there are a number of keys you need to open the tower door. Oh, and these are helpfully hidden in dumb places. But you can collect various objects - coins, ropes, buckets, bricks, keys - to aid your progress. Or rather, to remove a hinderance.



Further hinderence is provided by various religious dudes who believe just because you're an alchemist you are in league with the devil. The best way to prove them wrong is by blasting a fireball into their skull...that way, they know you're a warlock. Not an alchemist.

If you look in the garden you may find a few things to help you, but don't expect to find reagents for spells. You're an alchemist, not a warlock. Just be careful of the water - warlocks cannot swim!

If Wilf cannot achieve the goal of retrieving the gold and liberating his citadel by sunset he gets grounded because he's not allowed out past 8 p.m. If Wilf dies too much, he..um..loses his life...a few times. However, you can probably do some kind of pagan ritual to gain extra lives, so I wouldn't be too worried.



This game is rather original for its time. I can't prove this, however. Insiduous music plays throughout. Or maybe it doesn't. Is it me or is my screen sort of turning diagonally on me? Oh, well...I guess the point is that any game where you get to kick a taxman's ass and steal his gold while exploding dudes' heads with fire just goddamn rocks by proxy. I just hope that is an accurate description of the game!

For added hilarity, since I've written the review first and added screenshots afterwards, I've decided to go back and highlight anything which actually turned out to be an accurate description of the game!