Long, long ago, back in the 80s, there were many factions of video game culture. Lots of fanboys. However, back in our day, it was somewhat warranted - ports were vastly different from one another. They weren't really ports, in fact, we called them a 'Conversion'. All video game machines were unique. What I'm saying is, there's about 50 sites that take the piss from NES games. Okay, maybe not that many. But how many take the piss from other machines? Less than the NES section. So I'm fixing that.

The Commodore 64 is quite comparable to a NES. The early games are pretty cruddy, then there was a lot of really good games, then people said "Hey! Let's port 16-bit games to this!" and games like Strider were born. The golden period, in my opinion, was 1985-1990 or so, and this was made in 1986. So it should be good, right? I'll start with the scrolling message from the title screen explaining the game: "You must guide a preacher called holy herbert trough strange litter land      he have to collect all crosses along the way to the safe     the devil is trying to get to him so you must be fast     there is also happening some strange things      be careful ...   you can play only with joystick ... push the stick to the way you want to jump and press the button" ad nauseum.

Also, the title screen boasts a retarded-looking skeleton with what appears to be a penis bone.

Here's Herbert, the little fat purple guy in the green robes. He doesn't have much dress sense, obviously, and as you can see hell is on the left. But, you can't go to the left because the devil is trying to get him. The sign pointing that way is a SATANIC TRICK designed to fool the nice people or something. There's a little timer bar thing up the top but I think the devil is having a few packs of cigarettes on the way because he's very slow, and you're slow and you STILL outrun him easily. Also, there's what appears to be a happy ghost up the top. But even if it is smiling it is smiling with EVIL and DECEIT and you must SMITE IT by avoiding it completely because it kills you and this game isn't about punishing sinners, it's about racing the devil.

Oh, and that green cross up the top? That's one of those things you have to collect. And that pot on the right? It does absolutely nothing.

At this point, I suppose some of you are beginning to wonder what exactly happens if the devil were to catch up for you. Lucky for you, I always think of things like this and here is a few screenshots, just for you!

It isn't that obvious from these pictures, but the devil has NOS because as soon as he catches up slowly, smoking his entire packet of cigarettes, he suddenly just boosts and he touches you and because he's a pyromaniac, you set on fire or splurt out blood or something. Oh, and for those of you who read my Robocop review 4 years ago: I'm still not sure if splurt is a word, but the spellchecker says it isn't. Shit. Also the devil is white and he looks sort of like a cat and he only has one arm and it's also a fork. The devil is probably really popular at barbeques, with his fork hand and incineration ability.

Here is a blue ghost. And GRAVESTONES because people got buried on the way to hell somehow. And you see what I mean about him being slow?

And that cross up there. I have NO idea how to get it without dying cos you can't jump straight up, only at stupid angles. You get ghosted if you get it. It's a trap devised by the devil, I'm sure of it.

Also this I feel is a good time to inform anyone considering this game that not only can you not jump straight up, but this game suffers from "DONKEY KONG SYNDROME" where that if you fall more than, for example, your height (and keep in mind you're a midget judging by the fact a gravestone is almost as big as you) you die because you have absolutely no knees. Mind you, I think I'd die too if I was trapped in a world which was green and brown and purple.

Eventually you make it to a stupid place with floating plant pots and white things with horns that may or may not be horny ghosts but they're kind of small and not very scary anyway.

Also, the music in this game is crap.

I'm running out of crap to say about this game. For a religious game it's pretty shite. I mean, it's not a patch on Spiritual Warfare. That game is pure awesome. You can bust up hare krishnas at the airport and expel satan/s out of them. And that's good because you're religious and it's all right if you're doing it in the name of God. Come to think of it this game hasn't much to do with religion at all, apart from you being a purple preacher in green robes and there's a white devil chasing you. Oh, THAT explains it. White devil. That's it. Next paragraph.

Finally, I reached the end of the game. Actually it was the end of the demo and it had some hard to read crap on a wall and I think it was a trap devised by the devil to get me. I tried turning around and running for my life but it was to no avail. The devil had me this time. I could not escape his.........crotch. (I really couldn't think of a good word to end the sentence with there. I mean, I could have said 'grasp' but that was too predictable. So crotch it is)

It was only a matter of time before the devil got me.

Only a matter of time.

Any day now.

...

Oh, here he is. COME AND GET ME BIG BOY! ROMP ROMP ROMP

And I got fired again. ENDOF THI5DEM vER5IDN

Overall this game was funny for about 10 minutes. I first discovered this piece of shit when I was on a train on the way to a console party and it did not receive nearly as many laughs as other games I played on the journey, such as Parky and The Submarine or Get Off My Garden!. The only comment I got on this game is "This game is truly horrible", therefore I would not recommend you waste your time downloading this game unless if you're color-blind, or a game featuring a priest who is a purple midget in green robes being chased by a white cat satan thing with a fork for an arm which has the mystic ability to set you on fire appeals to you. Because fire = SATAN.

Also I apologise in advance for any burning of retinas received from the really really really bad colors below. IT WAS SATAN, I SWEAR.