Just read the review already, ok?

"Introducing Ring Rage!", the announcer excitedly announces on the title screen. This game is the incarnation of your favourite hick sport, wrestling! Complete with all the bells and whistles that a trailer park slob could desire. Namely, it has weird people in masks, annoying people with muscles, a homosexual tall guy with a mohawk who wears womens panties on top of his pants, a ninja and a terrorist. This game is a smorgasbord of action and most of all, entertainment because let me tell you, this game is beyond being merely a rather messed up escapade: This is classic Taito action. Classic Taito action by definition would be incredibly stupid characters, incredibly bad voice acting, and random Engrish.

The first time I played this game, I had just played Growl and I was looking for more really bad games by Taito. This one had one or two things I liked, but it wasn't exceptionally funny because the sound didn't work (it doesn't kick in with MAME for about 2 minutes for some reason). I put it away again.

The second time I found it quite funny and I played it through. But I was by myself. The next time I pulled it out was at a console party, but I had bad timing and pulled it out while everyone except me was playing Death Tank. Only one or two people saw it. I think I showed a few people later and that was it.

Then I finally got back to it this week when a few of us had a gathering. We were all kinda bored so I fired this up. Two words...instant classic. Let me tell you why by introducing the wrestlers. Also note that the announcer in this game is beyond standard announcing, every time he introduces a wrestler he sounds like he's just had a baby or he's about to piss his pants with excitement!

	Gunboat Rodie I assume is supposed to be some kind of craptastic Lex Luger clone, except he's crap. All he does is flex his muscles and he has some generic moves. There isn't much to say about him, except he's an ass and it's great fun beating it up. I also think his name is spelt in a stupid way, but I don't know any Austrians so it might be perfectly normal.
	Killer the Shaddam, despite having a stupid name which probably would result in widespread condemnation if this game was recent, is basically Karnov in a towel, sunglasses and camo gear. He breathes fire. Also his finishing move is a "camel clutch" because obviously Taito thought that had something to do with camels. They could have made it like 'execution chamber' or 'hidden nuclear weapons' or something, but no. Also a suplex is the shittest finishing move ever. OH MY GOD! HE JUST THREW GUNBOAT RODIE! IT'S A MADHOUSE HERE TONIGHT! Also he likes to announce "Eye am teh winnar!11"
	B.B. Scorpion is the best wrestler in this game. Why, you ask? Because when you dash and push punch, he does a clothes line, and makes THE most retarded sound ever which I can't even type and I have tried to spell it. The word "retarded" is the only word that does it justice, so here it is again: RETARDED. He does this at some other instances too. B.B. Scorpion is a goddamn legend, and he deserves a game of his own. There's so much to say about this guy, but I forget it all. He just makes the best sound effects and in my opinion, he is better than Killer the Shaddam due to this. The sound effect is hard to describe, but roughly sounds like "WEUUUUUUH!!!!!" One of his finishing moves is a belly flop! Also I swear this is just Killer the Shaddam in another outfit.
	"KO" Joe is a shitheead. A stupid shithead. For one, he only has one finishing move (which is the pose he's in now which is probably his only attacking frame of animation anyway). Also I don't think I've seen him kick so that 'Kick Boxing' thing is bullshit. They could have put in Fake Apollo Creed from Top Ranking Stars, but no. Let's add stupid "KO" Joe.
	As you can tell from the picture, this guy is just plain stupid. His finishing move is a vortex throw. You know, one of those Judo throws that doesn't actually hurt anyone BECAUSE JUDO ISN'T A MARTIAL ART DEVELOPED TO INFLICT PAIN? Stupid goddamn game. If his finishing move was he farts in your face or bitch slaps you or runs away, it would have been deadlier. This guy is annoying cos he just runs everywhere. Also he has the worst costume in the game. This is probably just some guy who came in off the street (and took his shirt off, unless he was too crap to have one in the first instance). Also he has a stupid name.
	This guy is apparently a ninja. That's why he wears velvet clothes. By 'ninja', Taito are referring to the fact that he jumps like an idiot. He does not have a blade, he does not throw shuriken, he cannot do magic, he doesn't commit seppuku, or anything cool. His finishing move is some crap he never actually does because he's too busy inflicting brain damage by jumping head first at you or something equally daft. 'Super Kick' is probably the thing he's doing now. Evidentally Taito must have guessed people would be stupid enough to pick this character merely because his name implies he is from the game, "The Ninja Warriors", also by Taito. Which he isn't. Someone this retarded can't have a game. Also why a retard is picked for someone as dexterous as a ninja is anyone's guess (except mine; I give up).
	These guys are supposed to be the last boss or something. The one on the left is clearly gay because he wears womens panties on top of his costume, and the right one is probably from #bearcave or something. I've also seen the left guy pose like a homosexual, I swear. The right one just flexes his muscles, the left one does ballet. Also the gay one likes to run and in the demo, this creates a glitch where there the other CPU character runs after him and they basically run for the entire demo (about a minute). It's incredibly stupid. Like these guys, actually!

Here is an excellent demonstration of Yasha's ability to jump like an idiot and another demonstration of "KO" Joe not having any moves apart from "PUNCH" so he stands there. As the newspaper thing says, AMAZING MOVE! "YASHA"HAVE A AMAZING POWER! He sure does. The power to be stupid and velvetty. He'd be this game's gay icon if it wasn't for Spike, the one who dons womens panties and poses like a prissy boy. NEXT!

These pictures both sucked so I put them together. The match-up screen and the end-game screen. As you can see this game isn't worth completing. It's also noteworthy that a badass wrestler gets a trophy with a pretty little red ribbon tied to it. Aww, isn't it cute? ^_^~~~!11 NEXT!

The right pic demonstrates the womens panties I was talking about as well as B.B. Scorpion's belly flop move. The left pic...I just have no idea. It's supposed to be some kind of special UBER DEATH MATCH where you fight on top of a something and if you fall off you lose or something, and this is supposed to add AMAZING EXCITEMENT and THE THRILL OF REAL COMBAT but I was cheating and I never fell I guess so it didn't work. Also it's not pictured here but Calgary is officially known as Calgaly now, so change it in your Atlases (atlii?)

Engrish, since we haven't had any yet. I mean for Spot's sake, they can't even get the name of the sport right. NEXT!

Oh, here is that running bug I was telling you about. And a guy in the crowd has a sign that says WAKA because he's probably at the wrong event or something and he's stupid and he has no friends. NEXTNEXTNEXT!!!11

Anyway, that's basically all there is to the game. You can beat up your stupid slut and the cameraman and the opponent has a pimp you can beat up too, and the ref likes to stop you using weapons by yelling "NO NO! NO NO! NO NO!" and he sounds like Barney Gumble and wags his finger like Sonic or something, but I can't think of anything else. You can beat up the cameraman but it's pointless and shit.

Finally, if you lose, you become...romantically entangled with the opponent's pimp. This is a reoccuring trend for Taito obviously, what, with Top Ranking Stars having the same "prize" for a victory. It's obviously originated from here with the conceded loss version, or perhaps a third hypothetically unknown game, where you might have to do this lewd act for like a double KO or something. Or that's what it appears to be doing - wait, I'm confused! I mean, I can't think of a rational explanation why you'd be on your knees in front of a pimp; especially when your manager is some slut in a red dress.

Ultimately, this game is great fun if you're bored, but geez, I wouldn't play this in multi. But hey, this is a great party game anyway because it won't be long before everyone is running around yelling "B.B. SCORPION!" and "THE TWF CHAMPION SPIKE AND KNUCKLE!", and making the retarded sound B.B. Scorpion makes when he does a lariat. I guarantee it. Except if people there are drunk, mutes, or boring.