It is with sincere regret and remorse that I inform you that Street Fighter II was ported to the Commodore 64. Actually, that's not entirely accurate. One of the first things the game tells you is "Due to the limitations and spec. of this machine some of the implementations contained in the manual may be incorrect". A port would contain every detail, even if the detail sucked some kind of egg-like material. While this may appear highly considerate of them, it unfortunately isn't because the game exists, and this was once labelled by myself "Understatement of the year 1992".

Porting the hottest game of the year - no, the last few years - to a platform which by this stage was clearly outdated was a cunning, yet greedy move by US Gold. The fact of the matter is lots of pissweak kids were still stuck with C64's, unable to update to an Amiga - which had a port of SF2 (also sucked) - or even a Super Nintendo. These kids had to go to school every day and put up with listening to that rich dork who has everything crapping on about how he has mastered fireballs on his SNES, and he could kick anyone's ass in the arcades. Then they had to go home, and put up with their parents refusing to buy them a SNES and Street Fighter II! Undoubtedly US Gold had these poor kiddies in mind when they decided to release an inferior, overpriced version to a machine never designed for lots of colours, large sprites, or multiple fire buttons. What's better to a dumb kid - saving up six months or more to buy a console, still having to buy a game; or saving up a month and buying the game itself? Well apparently, some people were retarded enough to pay money for this!


To someone who's trying to write analytically, the most amazing thing about this port is they managed to fit all the characters into the version, and made all eight non-boss characters playable. To me, the most amazing thing about this port is the amount of shit they managed to fit in one disk. To you, the most amazing thing about this review will be that rather poetic double entendre, because it's all going downhill from here. I could spew forth a plethora of different phrases epitomising "this game is crap", but apparently actions speak louder than words. So I'll refrain and let the pictures do the talking:

As you can see, they meticulously copied the arcade screens, pixel-by-pixel.

Actually, on closer inspection, I'm not so sure that apostrophe was present in the original. WHICH MAKES THIS AN INACCURATE CONVERSION. We will not stand for this! NEXT!
Ken and Ryu...uh...kinda look the same. In fact, I can't tell if Ken look like Ryu (hair colour) or Ryu looks like Ken (posture)! Also, as you can see here their solution to the original having big sprites was to give this version small sprites and a small play area that doesn't scroll! Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, I'm not a shitmonger!

NEXT!@#&*!$#@&*
Uh...a standing jumping punch?
UBERFAT GIANTS IN THE BACKGROUND!! BLURGH!!! Holy shit, BlueFatty could fit two of me inside him! NEXT!
Hooray! A fat person with a funny hat!

Oh wait, that's supposed to be M.Bison.
This is probably the best screenshot out of the lot of them. It's the only one that doesn't look like some eight-year old who likes to drop himself on his head and drool on crayons was the artist. It's a shame Bison has a RED suit, not GREY! GET OFF THE INTERNAT!
ARCADE PERFECT

As you can see, the game is worse than a dog's breakfast; it's what comes out of the dog after it's had its breakfast. Trying to play a game based on 16-bit architecture with 6 buttons on an 8-bit machine with 1 button is stupidThe epitome of how bad the game is can be summed up with Guile's new VICTORY DANCE, which he does when he sonic booms someone (also he doesn't appear to have charge times for sonic booms, incidentally):



THINGS I LEARNT:

  • How to do the Guile Dance.

  • Nothng else. It may surprise you to find out that Street Fighter II isn't very educational.