UNREAL


This game is like Lemmings, but with naked men and lions. And the naked man has sword. And a DRAGON. And occasionally, the sword is on fire. These elements mean either the is game is very manly, or very gay. I suppose it's fair to say it was manly when it was first released but became homosexual with the passage of time.

This game shouldn't be fun, but it is. Unreal was considered a graphical masterpiece when released and was often seen on Amiga computers in shops, demonstrating the unrelenting heterosexuality of home computing, with its thousands of colours and nude Fabio clones frolicking in mud with dinosaurs. The sad fact is, it actually made 'us' want an Amiga. In fact, it was in its day a 'killer app' for the Amiga, much like Psygnosis' other games.

Unreal's gameplay is a bit crap. The flight sequences suck, and the platformer scenes are only good for the graphics, and the possibility that you may see something even more homoerotic than a romance novel about a Viking who accidentally travels forward in time and takes his shirt off a lot, with his name ending with '-ssen'. That's not to say it isn't fun. There's a little gay in all of us. Or a lot. I don't care what you think; better a naked dude than a naked female thing! Being a naked man does not enhance gameplay one iota, nor does it purport to - more than can be said about pervy whore games. No, your virtual Adam here merely is an extension of your own self image. Deep down, all guys want to have big muscles, swords, long hair and no clothes. It's all He-Man's fault, if you ask me.

You may be wondering why I prefer to discuss the sexual preference of this game over the gameplay itself - this is because the 3D sections are a pathetic clone of Space Harrier with poor 3D effects and levels that are too long, and the platform sections are so unremarkable you could clone them in The Games Factory (a 1996-ish GUI powered game maker which is remarkably simple). It's also slow-moving. It's hard to expand on something when the only meat or substance of it is the unclothed meat variety. It's also difficult to come up with various synonyms of 'gay' without sexual overtones, so there.

A short list of things more homoerotic than this game:

  • Nude firefighter calendars
  • Novels with pictures of Fabio on them
  • The box art for Ironsword: Wizards and Warriors II (see above)
  • Anyone named Chad (not Chadwick)
  • The T2: Judgment day game
  • James from Team Rocket
  • Apollo Creed
  • Vampires
  • Torchwood (especially Jack Harkness)
  • Hard Gay
  • Professor Ratigan
  • Chad Ericssen, the gay, anus-pillaging viking and his homoerotic longboat of time, "Stockholmo"


    • (this space reserved for fanart of Chad Ericssen an "Stockholmo")


    Knuckle Bash remains the most fruity game of all time. Did I mention this was published by Psygnosis, who also published Lemmings?

    DID YOU KNOW: That an anagram of Unreal is U R ANEL?











    The box art for this game features a man with clothes. This will simply not do. I offer two alternative covers - those of the previousl-mentioned Ironsword, and of Hysteria by Software Projects:





    In conclusion...uh...man, I think the pictures below speak for themselves. What you see is what you get, frankly.

    SCREENSHOTS:



    OH NOES


    Naked man above stream with a poncy dinosaur and a boulder for no reason


    MUD WRESTLING WITH GIANT PRAYING MANTIS! Overwhelming manliness!


    SUGGESTIVE YET PAINFUL. Told you this game is manly.


    NAKED MAN CAN SHOOT BUBBLES WITH SWORD. THIS HEIGHTENS THE GAYNESS BY ONLY TEN PER CENT. Unfortunately, the sparkles increase it by another ten per cent.


    Giant Polar Bear! This is awesome. I told you this game was incredibly manly.


    BADLY ANIMATED GOLEM TIME!


    NAKED AIR GUITAR IN SNOW WITH DRAGONS: Beastiality is fun.


    OH SHIT


    THIS GAME GETS MANLIER BY THE MINUTE!


    DISCREET ARROW!


    I appear to be getting attacked by midgets from a drain. Oh, and there is a giant castle.


    THE HAY IS REBELLING! NO LONGER WILL THEY IDLY BE EATEN BY HORSES!


    A giant winged ant is going all Donkey Kong on my ass!



    I'd like to point out that the last boss is a giant evil fire, and you kill it with your flame sword. While this may sound just play dumb, I would remark this makes you one of the previously referred to firefighters to which are made the subject of calendars. It also would make a hilarious movie.