YES!

It takes a messed up game to deserve an animation as messed up that, and Wrath of the Black Manta certainly delivers. Parts of it are so hilarious you'll be on the floor in tears providing you're nutty enough like me. Let's continue the quest of...WRATH! OF THE BLACK MANTA!

In the middle of the night, Black Manta's phone rings! What I find most remarkable about this scene is he sleeps in his jumpsuit. I suppose it's because he's a ninja, and it's ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED THAT SOMEONE FINDS OUT HIS SECRET IDENTITY. But, geez! Batman even took off his clobber to go for a dump, the least he could do is have ninja pyjamas!

Then suddenly, err...his master is there. It's one of those VIDEO PHONES that everyone wanted in the 80s but they didn't exactly EXIST. Or perhaps it's like that episode of that stupid show I watched one time where this woman transported herself through a phone line, which was incredibly funny. But anyway, the master says his disciple is kidnapped too. LOL! YOU SUX0R MASTER! Apparently though the boy left a clue at the scene. But if you ask me, if they know where the scene is, they don't need a clue. Stupid.

Especially a clue as obvious as this.

Yes, it is indeed time. Midnight is the time. Because you're a NINJA! MASTER OF STEALTH! SHADOW IN THE SHADOWS! And then your master JUST manages to avoid a lawsuit from Lucasfilm. It's part of his ninja training.

Err...this isn't midnight. The lying sodomite had a nap! Anyway, there's a piece of paper lying inconspiciously on the ground, as they often do in SUBURBAN AREAS, and it turns out to be a clue which is completely, utterly shit. "The man in red knows something." After reading this I looked outside and saw about a dozen people wearing red, and I tried interrogating them all but eventually one of them called the cops. Also I'm a liar. That's what you get for reading rubbish you find on the streets of New York.

Also, fans of Phantasy Star Online, rejoice! Every bad guy in the first level is a FOnewm from Phantasy Star Online! They also look like the Joker, or Dick Dastardly, or something. Also just like I said, that piece of paper was LIES AND COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA! It goes to show really. Nobody survives an encounter with the Black Manta, because he's a NINJA!

I should mention the Black Manta is a master of interrogation, as seen here. He's also polite. "Excuse me, but are you involved in the kidnappings? I profess to have the desire to hurt you if you do not cooperate!"

This is the best interrogation in the game. Well, at this point anyway. Each line is a cliché, but when you put it together, it doesn't make an ounce of sense! This is 100% pure A-grade bullshit. But never trust The Joker anyway.

Soon the true purpose of the game is revealed. THE NINJA IS ON A CRUSADE AGAINST DRUGS! And he learns this out from Luke Skywalker Jr or something. This game is already beginning to sound pretty psychotic, is it not?

The boss of level 1 is called 'Tiny'. I think it's a mistranslation, it's probably actually something highly offensive. I might check that later...

Here is one of the really good lines in this game: "We'll go to Japan. Ninja are there." - how can you argue with logic like that?

Here is the Black Manta, using his ninja towel to glide through a stormy sky. Two signs of absolute idiocy there. But it's okay, because he's a NINJA and Ninja have the ability to AVOID GETTING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING BY TURNING INTO A WOOD(S) OR THE OTHER THING THEY TURN INTO. As is the fact that if you go to the bottom right corner you never get hit, which is good cos I couldn't be arsed doing these bits because they had no Engrish and that defeats the purpose! (Hey, what the heck? FrontPage recognises 'Engrish'! Don't ask why I use FrontPage. I'm lazy and it makes writing reviews easy. STFU!)

After I beat the last level, I gained 'Art of Invisibility' which appears to be like the stupid cloak from Wizards and Warriors which makes you invisible. First problem: You can't see yourself. Second problem: the enemies can see you. I stood against a non-black background to make it easier in this case, but it also flickers even if you do that. Blimey, is this 'art' ever stupid.

On the left, this is what the FOnewms look like on this level: The Incredible Hulk. And on the right is the 'Art of Spider', which should be called 'Art of Digging Idiot' because there aren't many spiders that dig, and it's hardly the first thing that comes to mind when you think to yourself, "Gee, I wonder what digs?" But hey, I'm stuck with this now. So SCREW YOU, BAD GUYS! I'M A NINJA SPIDER! DRUGS ARE BAD!

I dunno who the hell this is, but go back to your sitcom little kid. I don't like your answer. It just doesn't seem right. You're lying!

After beating the boss I got the 'art of the fire bomb'. Since when was bombing things an art?

The bad guy again talking about his secret weapon. In all honesty, I still have no idea what it is, and I beat the game without figuring it out.

Rio De Janeiro is pretty ghetto. This is what it looks like. This game does wonders for Tourism, it does.

The bad guys are FOnewm pirates and the kids have afros. This level is DRUGS and DRUGS ARE BAD.

This is a good point to demonstrate the "bullshit element" (that's the scientific term) involved in this game. You often find notes like the one on the left, or the kids tell you it, but as you can see, I went and followed the instructions, and there is NO SODDING DOOR. I never found ONE of these doors after the first level! Those LYING TARDS! Imagine the Engrish I missed out on! I hated the game for this. NOBODY SURVIVES AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE BLACK MANTA!

Well that was easy.

The boss of Rio De Janeiro is stupid goddamn Colonel Sanders, everyone's favourite racist! GET YO' SLAVE ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND FRY ME SOME CHICKEN, BLACK MANTA! But he's really crap, basically if you keep firing he won't fire back. Dumbass.

dun dun DUNNN! Oh my god!

Oh great. Demolition balls. I HATE DEMOLITION BALLS. Ever since those spikey things in Metal Man's stage in Megaman 2. I was like "Hey, they're flashing! I can run through them because they're like, invincible, like when I get hit and I'm flashing!". Great logic for a 10 year old, but it just goes to show Capcom should have not been tards and done something about the flickering sprites!

Here is Black Manta with a bullet coming right at his head and there's a US Army new recruit looking the other way. They think they're so badass with their trick shots, don't they? Well they're not. WHAT'S THE MATTER? THINK YOU CAN OUTWIT A NINJA? Oh! Oh! Keep going! Almost at the best bit of the game!

This isn't it, but it's still pretty funny. The next bit is it.

WINNAR! I've always wanted to hear a ninja go off to someone about not using drugs! And it's awesome cos he told him he isn't cool and he called him dumb! I love this game. I'd love it even if it consisted of this quote and that was the end of the game. Actually it'd be better if that's all it was. It is customary at this point to yell loudly, "YOU BIN TOLLLLLLLLD BY A NINJA!" A purple ninja, at that. They're the best kind.

After this his interrogations become kind of stupid. Also these aren't directly related screenshots. It just looks funny this way.

If only all interrogation was this easy!

OK

Wow, a jukebox! How innocent! I'll just destroy it and...

dun dun DUNNNNN! OH NO! IT'S THE LAST BOSS! What are you doing to that kid, you paedophile?!

Now he's blue. No wait - that's the background! His wig fell off! Baldy bonce!

Oops, I ruined the ending. Here's that title animation I made again:

Remember how up the top somewhere I said I thought 'Tiny' was probably named something messed up in the Japanese version? And that I'd check it later? Well, I did. So now I present to you, the Japanese version of the game!

First things first. There still is a phone call in the middle of the night, but this time, it's from the police chief because you're: NINJA! COP! SAIZOU!!!! And yes, the phone still rings. NOW IT MAKES SENSE THOUGH, because you're a NINJA COP and you DON'T sleep in your jumpsuit, IT'S PART OF YOUR POLICE UNIFORM! Wow! Also it now has a picture of you jumping down into a spotlight in each round.

Also, all the guys in red who know something now look like Vanilla Ice or Luigi or something. Interrogations frequently end with BANG.

And the jump animation is different. Those might be speed lines or it might be corruption, it's hard to tell!

Kids look dorkier too. And their name is K. GET BACK TO KING OF FIGHTERS YOU ARSEFACE!

Everybody, meet Tiny. I couldn't translate his name cos it had crap characters that were drawn by a zero-year old and thus I couldn't read it, but it may have been atomic somethingorother. Either way he has a new attack where he shoots waves at you! He's also much shorter, which makes the strategy to beat him different. Oh well.

Do I really need a caption for this picture? It seems that he's calling the blue bastard before 'Suramuchikuni'. Slam Chicken? SLAM CHICKEN! Somebody provide me a pic of this 'Slam Chicken'.

What the...it's a new level! A vertical New York level! Actually not all of it is vertical, a lot of it is on rooftops, but why it was removed is a complete mystery. Also note the piece of paper here doesn't appear unless if you jump up a screen then jump back down. Shame I don't know what it says.

Here's some gratuitous rooftop pics. 'Cos you wanted them. There's ninjas in this level, too, and goddamn are they HARD! They're much smarter than in the US version. Why? I honestly don't know. It goes to show really...erm...I don't know what, though.

This boss room looked different to me. And I forgot to take pics of it last time...

Here's the Japanese level again. Not that I can even tell if it IS supposed to be Japan. I think it might not be. This is normal in New York, you see.

I'm sure you saw this one coming...a new boss. It's pretty bad, really. It drops down in the blue ball, then it hatches into that pathetic eye...snake...thing. It's crap. You can kill it by turtling in the corner and just taking random shots at it. Easy!

Look! They come down the bottom right this time! They didn't in the US/PAL game, they didn't in the 'Japan' level of this one. But they do here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Voodoo Warrior. Now he's like, Mr Flamey Electro Furry Fire Asbestos Pants. He's still identical in attack patterns, and you can still beat him using the exact same strategy.

Here's a comparison thingy. Jap version on the left, US on the right. There's an extra Wrecking ball on the US one. That's it. You can stop comparing now.

I remember this bit from the US one and it looked different.

The last level has these stupid bits in it. It's in the US version too. I just forgot to take a pic. Also as you can see here, the ninja cop dodges like an idiot.

On the US version, there was 4 doors and you only had to beat one, but in this one, there's 5 (and a hidden 6th) and you have to do a fully fledged boss run!

The last boss has an airship. And he's bald. And you have to fight some generic enemies for a bit.

Now there's an original sentiment. THE LAST BOSS IS REALLY AN ALIEN! Actually, I'm less fascinated with the ripoff of Megaman 2, and more so with the fact that his suit changed from grey to green. What a bloody miracle!

Here is the ending.

It features a severed head and that's about it.

NOW, WE DANCE!