Yume Penguin Monogatari





This game is wierd. You play Penta (why are all penguins in games named Penta? Penta Penguin, Pentarou Penguin, the Pengo clone called Penta...in my Japanese dictionary, 'Pengin' means penguin! Not Penta!), a lardass penguin. Your girlfriend is a stupid stuck up bitch who dumps you for some lame bastard in a top hat called Genji (not Ganja) who happens to have made some kind of weight loss thing. So she'll hook up with you again if you lose enough weight and get to the phone in time (and no, it's not just on the other side of the house, it's about 20 kilometres away). So basically this bitch is the the local slut, but you love her in a tragic "I fell in love with a whore" way (probably because you are fat, and your brain is too fat to think). But for some reason Genji is trying to stop you! So he invents this weight loss thing and then tries to stop you losing weight. So on one hand, he loses money but gets some 'ho. But on the other hand, he...you get the idea. Makes sense eh?



As you can see here you start out moderately fat and you can kick your enemies with your size 13 flipper, but if you eat too many apples you become a lardass penguin. This is bad because you can't jump high, you're slow and you can only kill enemies by grinding your gut into them! Also, in the far right picture you can see a little heart on that fat-o-meter - this indicates the maximum weight for each level (the fat-o-meter turns pink if you're too fat!). On the right pic, you can see Penta as a skinny bastard! He can yell rude words at enemies to kill them in this form (I think that's what he's doing). At the end of each level your girlfriend sends you off somewhere again. "Oh, I'm too busy right now, go answer the phone at the next place!" - she's probably too busy shagging the top hat gimp.



I just thought this was funny. A pig named Pooh. A shit named Pooh would have been better.



Here is Penta flying with a thing on his head. Doesn't he realise he looks like a nerd? Oh well, if he can fly he must be a happy bird, since penguins can't fly anyway. Except maybe Pokey the Penguin on some kind of drug.



Here is the rather originally named 'Captain Ahab'. Damn, they are just full of these original names eh? Like Penta? And Ganja? Err, Genji even? And he throws barrels at you. How original is that! Well I suppose it hasn't been done since Donkey Kong. But still, that's because it's TABOO! TABOO! ARGH! Shoot them now! Pleeeeease! Anyway, he basically goes Donkey Kong on your ass.



DISASTER! Ganja has kidnapped whatsername the bitch! Oh well, no loss. Except fatass is so damn...damned that he decides to rescue her. Penguins with teeth HAVE to be evil. It's a sign he's possessed by the devil! I bet they're falsies.



Here's what I like: If you rescue her and you're too fat, she decides to go with him anyway. SLUT! WHOREBAG! He looks like a goddamn mummy for crying out loud! At least you can decide here that she's not worth going after again and you get a 'bad' ending. She's not worth it, fatty! You'll see why in the next pics!




(don't ask where the plane came from, you control it in several stages!) Here she is kissing ass. Blahblah. I'd be a bit worried about those purple stars there myself...oh, and the top hat pimp penguin's name is now Ginji, so either he changed names halfway through or I'm just stupid.



...dun dun DUN! She's so selfish that she's decided to become a fatass herself! Dump her now, Penta! No, not the other Penta Penguins reading this article, the one in the game! Dump the fat cow! You could do better! Do it! You sexy blue penguin, you!